Nicola Kuhn's hard-court hunger pays off big-time

Nicola Kuhn is bang on course for tennis super-stardom after strengthening his credentials as arguably the world's top 17-year-old.
The Spanish whiz-kid rocketed to the fringe of the ATP top 200 this week after reaching the  the final of the Hungarian Open Challenger tournament in Budapest. 
Kuhn pocketed a €5,400 cheque as runner-up to Vasek Pospisil and also vindicated his decision to cut short his 2017 campaign in order to concentrate on developing his all-round game. 
Like most Spanish players, the blond six-footer from Torrevieja is most at home on clay courts but a winter of intense hard-court training paid off big-time with a stunning 6-3 7-6 victory over top seed Marton Fucsovic, who reached the last 16 in the recent Australian Open before falling to the one and only Roger Federer. 
Kuhn, nine years Fucsovic's junior, now holds a 2-0 record over the world number 62  after beating the Hungarian Davis Cup star on his way to winning the 2017 Sparkassen Open in Germany.
The 48 ranking points Nico picked up for reaching the singles final lifted him to 204 in the world and to 14 in the Under-21 rankings - well within sight of the prestigious NextGen finals in Milan in November.
Kuhn, son of a German father and Russian mother, finally met his match in a three-set final shootout with Pospisil, who last year beat Andy Murray at Indian Wells. Pospisil, who has been as high as 25 in the world rankings, triumphed 7-6,3-6 6-3 after a fierce see-saw battle for the title.

As a bonus, unseeded Kuhn and his 17-year-old arch-rival Felix Auger-Aliassime teamed up for the first time to win the Budapest doubles against all the odds.  Nico and Canadian Aliassime, who is already in the men's top 200, have vied for the status of best player born in the 21st century ever since the 2015 Junior Davis Cup final, in which Canada beat a Kuhn-inspired Germany team.
Playing together for the first time, the unseeded 17-year-olds stormed to a 6-2 2-6 11-9 victory over top seeds Marin and Tomislav Draganja. It earned Kuhn and Aliassime €2,950 and lifted Kuhn into the ATP doubles rankings for the first time at 604, more than 1,000 places above the published entry level. The partnership also looks set to become a regular fixture at any tournament in which the two whiz-kids compete.
Kuhn, for one, is all for extending the NextGen finals to an Under-21 doubles championship in Milan.
"I already have my partner,'' he said as he and the  6ft 4in Aliassime celebrated their unlikely success.

Shades of Becker as Nicola Kuhn, 17, joins ATP champions elite

.Blond and brilliant..budding superstar Nicola Kuhn on his way to glory at the Braunschweig Open

Four years ago, the legendary Boris Becker took a peak at a promising young tennis talent of German extraction and asserted that Nicola Kuhn was ''a better player than I was at his age.''

Becker remains the only unseeded play to win the Wimbledon men's singles -  an astounding feat he accomplished at the age of 17. However, tennis has changed so much since 1985 that nobody realistically expects Herr Becker's 1985 cruise  to glory ever to be repeated.

Apart that is, from blond six-footer Kuhn, the Spanish-reared son of a German father and Russian mother, who this week achieved the next best thing by winning a major ATP Challenger title at the age of just 17 years four months. 

That's three months younger than Becker was when he beat Kevin Curren in that memorable SW19 final 32 years ago.

And what's more, the unseeded Kuhn was the youngest player in the €127,000 Braunschweig Open draw and had to battle through the qualifying tournament to join a first-round field that included eight of the world's Top 100 players.

Few people expected the Torrevieja teenager to reach the first-round proper, let alone advance to the later stages. But this afternoon (July 15), an enraptured German crowd saluted the unlikely champion, who at number 501 in the world, was the lowest-ranked player in the tournament.

On his seven-match glory run, Kuhn even had the audacity to see off  Croatian star Jozef Kovalik, whose recent successes include a victory over Wimbledon finalist Marin Cilic at the Chennai ATP 250 tournament.

Th only disappointment is that his moment of glory was dimmed by the retirement of opponent Viktor Galovic through injury in the final set. But Kuhn, after losing the first set 6-2, was already in a winning position at 4-2 in the decider when Galovic conceded defeat.

The 32-man lineup at Braunschweig traditionally includes several players who exited early from the Wimbledon main draw - and this year was no different, with Andy Murray's second-round victim Dustin Brown among the more familiar names in the draw.

Kid Kuhn - playing in only his second Challenger tournament - found himself  face to face with at least one player TWICE his age as he battled to tame experienced professionals seven and eight years his senior.

Yet the Torrevieja youngster, the lowest ranked player in the competition, demonstrated his world-class potential by flattening the opposition in a week-long victory spree. His unlikely victims even included Slovakian Jozef Kovalik, who beat Wimbledon finalist Marin Cilic at the Chennai ATP 250 tournament earlier this year.

Kuhn's hopes seemed to be over when he trailed 0-4 in the deciding set against Kovalik in the quarter-final. But remarkably, he managed to break back twice and squeeze out a nailbiting 8-6 win in the tie-break.

Nico and fans in Germany

“I am really tired right now, but extremely happy,” he said afterwards. “I really enjoy the support from the spectators. That’s great and helps my game.”

Nico started every round as underdog against players aged between 22 and 34, whose average ranking was more than 300 places above his own ATP status.

The125 ranking points he receives for winning the tournament will lift him to around number 263 in the world when the new rankings are announced next week. And he'll no doubt savour that achievement just as much as he will enjoy spending his €18,290 winners' cheque.

For the record, Kuhn's astonishing week-long run to today's (Saturday) final against 26-year-old Galovic went like this...

Qualifying 1st round - bye;
Qualifying 2nd round: Beat Julian Onken (Germany, ATP rank 791) 6-4 6-3
Qualifying 3rd round: Beat Michael Linzer (Austria, ATP 275) 6-3 6-3
First round: Beat Goncalo Oliveira (Portugal, ATP 277) 6-4 6-2
Second round: Beat Carlos Berlocq (Argentina, ATP 80) 6-4 7-5
Quarter-final: Beat Jozef Kovalik (Croatia, ATP 159) 7-6 5-7 7-6
Semi-final: Beat Marco Fucsovics (Hungary ATP 109) 7-5 4-6 6-4

Final: Beat Viktor Galovic (Croatia, ATP 491) 2-6, 7-5,4-2 RETIRED.
FINAL WORD on kid Kuhn from losing finalist Galovic: "Yeah, at his age I was at home playing PlayStation"

Kuhn and Kecmanovic: The Special Ks of 21st century tennis

Nicola Kuhn....with Miomir Kecmanovic a future Special K of men's tennis

 Tennis superkid Nicola Kuhn has taken two more giant steps towards his target of reaching the world's top 200 by the end of this year.

The Spanish teenager, who has opted out of the ITF junior circuit in order to boost his assault on vital ATP ranking points, pulled out of junior Wimbledon after reaching both boys' finals at the French Open last month.

Instead, he launched a double assault on the world's experienced pros - beating a string of older players in reaching the semi-finals of both the Belgian F1 and German F5 Futures events.
Kuhn, 17, was left cursing his luck at Kamen in Germany when heavy rain turned the clay courts into a dirty mud surface during the later stages of the competition. And despite a courageous fightback, he was finally beaten in three sets by eventual winner Alexander Vasilenko of Russia.
The six points Kuhn receives for reaching the last four in Germany should lift him to around 480 in the world when the next ATP ranking list is announced next Monday. He moved up to 501 on the strength of reaching the semi-final at Havre in Belgium, where he bowed out against the world's No.1 junior Miomir Kecmanovic, despite romping away with the first set 6-1.
Kecmanovic and Kuhn, who is five months younger than the Serbian, are rapidly establishing one of the game's most intriguing rivalries, each having won two of their four encounters - all of them exciting three-set marathons.

Kecmanovic...world's top junior

Perhaps the most exciting of all their matches was the junior French Open semi-final, where Kuhn triumphed 7-6, 2-6, 7-6 after an exhausting nailbiter at Roland Garros. 

Ironically, that Paris confrontation was probably the final junior tournament for both the Special K's, whose focus is now firmly on a place in the prestigious Next Generation finals at the end of 2018.

HEAD TO HEAD. Miomir Kecmanovic (born Belgrade, Aug 17 1999) v Nicola Kuhn (born Innsbruck, March 20 2000))

2015: Osaka Mayor's Cup - World Super Junior Tennis (hard) Winner KUHN 2-6 6-4 6-3.

2016: Junior US Open quarter final (hard): Winner: KECMANOVIC 6-2 5-7 6-4.

2017: Junior French Open semi final (clay): Winner KUHN 7-6 (5) 2-6 7-6 (4).

2017: Belgium F1 Futures (Havre) semi final (clay): Winner KECMANOVIC 1-6 6-3 6-1.

Weary tennis champ Kuhn pulls out of Wimbledon

Nicola Kuhn: The junior French Open doubles champion has pulled out of Wimbledon

Weary tennis champion Nicola Kuhn has played his last match as a junior after making both the singles and doubles finals at the French Open last week.

The Spanish whizkid and doubles partner Zsombor Piros were crowned junior champions at Roland Garros after a convincing 6-4 6-4 victory over US pair Danny Thomas and Vasil Kirkov in the final.

Three hours earlier, exhausted Nico missed out on the coveted singles crown, losing 7-6 6-3 to lanky Australian Alexei Popyrin after coming through a near-impossible three-match playing schedule the previous day.

Ironically, Torrevieja's blond  belter became a victim of his own success after storming into both finals on Friday, during which he dispatched the top seed, world number one Miomir Kecmanovic in a nailbiting singles semi-final.

And this week Nico announced that he was withdrawing from next month's junior Wimbledon, at which he would have been among the top seeds.

The build-up at Roland Garros reached its peak last Friday, when Kuhn inflicted a rare defeat on Kecmanovic, then teamed up with Piros to plough through two tough doubles matches and set up a Saturday showdown with Thomas and Kirkov.

Austrian-born Kuhn, whose colourful background embraces a German father, Russian mother and Spanish residency since he was three months old, went into Saturday's matches on the back of nine straight wins over the previous five days. But after effectively playing EIGHT sets of pressure tennis on Friday, something had to give.

The crunch came in his singles showdown on Saturday morning with the lanky Popyrin, whose route to the final had been eased by an early exit from the doubles and a relatively easy singles semi-final against Spain's Alejandro Davidovich Fokina.
Ironically, Kuhn might well have won the singles crown had he accepted an offer from Piros to ease his playing burden by withdrawing the partnership from the doubles.

Nico had been urged by his family not to take on the enormous task of competing for both the singles and doubles titles. And as his schedule began to get out of hand, Piros – who had already been knocked out of the singles - offered to abandon his own progress by withdrawing the partnership from the doubles.

Kuhn, who was 17 in March,  will be eligible to play at junior level until the end of 2019 but says he will no longer compete  in 18-and-under tournaments after pulling out of next month's junior Wimbledon in the wake of his Paris exertions.

He would have been among the top seeds for the junior singles title at Wimbledon but the lure of full-time professionalism and stronger opponents has not surprisingly won the day.

"No more junior tennis for me,'' he joked in an email to me this week. "It is all work and no pay and I am done with it!''

Kuhn and his back-up team, headed by coach Pedro Caprotta, will now focus all their attention on the men's circuit and maximising Nico's assault on the ATP rankings. 

He is currently listed 521 in the world behind No.1 Andy Murray and has targeted a place in the top 200 by the end of the year, which could well make him the highest ranked 17 year old on the planet.

Tennis superkid Nico is Juan to watch at Wimbledon

SIMPLY THE BEST: Nicola Kuhn (left) on the training court with his mentor, ex-world No.1 Juan Carlos Ferrero

TENNIS tug-o'-war kid Nicola Kuhn celebrated his official switch to Spanish citizenship by winning the nation's top  junior tournament on Sunday. And in the process he blew away the challenge of top-seed Jay Clarke, the Derby youngster being touted in Britain as a future Andy Murray. 

Just three weeks after his 16^th birthday, the most prodigious young talent in Spain won the Juan Carlos Ferrero Trophy at Villena – the country's only Grade 1 tournament for players aged 18 and under. 

It was his second tennis crown in a row after he bagged the Grade 2 title at Vinaros, near Castellon the previous week.

And to emphasise his huge talent, the superfit six-footer from Torrevieja was the youngest competitor in each tournament.

The back-to-back titles earned Kuhn a mammoth 250 ITF ranking points, rocketing him to No.21 in the world rankings, one of only two players in the top 100 born in the 21st century.  His success has also and providing a timely morale-booster for his first tilt at the French Open at Roland Garros next month.

The son of a German father and Russian mother, Nico and his family have lived in Torrevieja since he was three months old. However, he switched his tennis allegiance to Germany when the country he regards as home felt unable to help with his colossal travel and equipment costs.

Over the past four years the Kuhn kid has led the German juniors to a string of successes, including the Final of last year's Junior Davis Cup, in which he was voted the tournament's Most Valuable Player.

Despite those successes, Nico never felt totally comfortable playing for Germany, even though he speaks the language fluently, along with English and Russian.

“I have always felt more Spanish than anything – and Spain has always been my home,'' he says. And with major sponsors like La Liga, Nike and Yonex now backing his progress, last year he began the process of switching to playing under the Spanish flag.

The process proved to be far more complicated than Nico and his parents had expected – not least the red tape involved in obtaining a Spanish passport in addition to the one Nico already had.

The official switch finally came last week, coinciding with the Juan Carlos Ferrero tournament – which also happens to be his 'home' base. He has trained and studied at former world No.1 Ferrero's's academy since he was 12 and his victory in Sunday's final against fellow Spaniard Alejandro Davidovich Fokina confirmed him as Spain's top junior player.

The manner of his victory in the final was not ideal, Fokina retiring with a back injury with Kuhn takng the first set 6-3 and leading 1-0 in the second set.

But the No.7 seed had been in supreme form all week, as epitomised by his 6-1, 6-3 thrashing of 17-year-old Clarke, Britain's No.1 junior,– in the quarter-final.

Nico, who began 2016 ranked No.70, is well ahead of schedule in his declared aim of reaching the world Top 10 this year. He has also set his sights on climbing into the ATP's top 600 and providing a springboard to fulfilling his lifelong dream of becoming a top professional player.

At his current rate of progress, it seems merely a matter of when, rather than if King Kuhn will achieve his ultimate ambition. He has already sampled the Grand Slam atmosphere at the 2015 US Open and this year's Australian Open. 

Now he feels he is ready to make a serious challenge for a major junior title - and  has earmarked Wimbledon in July as his prime target this summer.

He has little or no experience of playing on grass but will practise on carpet to replicate the All England Club's surface. And he says: "I believe I can do well there.'' 

A touch of grass: Nico the new Nadal eyes Wimbledon take-off

Tennis sensation Nicola Kuhn aims to put the experience of his 21,000-mile round trip to the Australian Open  to good use - by soaring to new heights in his quest to become Spain's next Rafa Nadal.

And the Costa Blanca-based son of a German dad and Russian mum  has a hunch that Wimbledon 2016 could be the tournament that launches him as a genuine Grand Slam contender of the future.

Nico, one of only two 15-year-olds in the world's Top 50 juniors, celebrated his flying visit to the Southern Hemisphere's only Grand Slam tournament by reaching the Junior Doubles quarter final in Melbourne.

That unexpected success alongside Japan's top junior Toru Horie followed a singles horror show in which Austrian-born Nico failed to progress beyond the last 64 after being given the medical all-clear to compete following a foot stress fracture.

“Just being there in Melbourne was a great experience but I definitely needed more preparation time,'' he told me just hours after arriving back in Spain. “One thing is for sure. Next year I will try to get there a week before the tournament.''

In a ploy designed to counter the effects of jet-lag, blond six-footer Kuhn – a top pupil of former world No.1 Juan Carlos Ferrero's Equelite Tennis Academy in Villena, near Valencia - stayed up all night at home in Torrevieja immediately before boarding his flight from Madrid to Doha en route to Australia.

DOUBLES DELIGHT: Nicola Kuhn (right) and Toru Horie

The outcome of the eat now, sleep later exercise was particularly hard to swallow as, three days later, Nico was beaten by Canada's Jack Mingjie Lin after powering into a commanding 4-1 first-set lead in his opening match in Melbourne.

Lin went on to hit a streak of sensational form to take the match 6-4 6-3 and the lad from La Mata, who speaks Spanish, English, German and Russian fluently, generously conceded: “You can't do a lot to break someone's serve when your opponent is banging down three aces in his service games.''

However, Kuhn's overall game was about to come up with an unlikely ace of its own – a winning doubles partnership with Horie.

“Playing two matches in one day has been a bit too much physically in my career so far,'' Nico admits. “Now I find I can handle that sort of demand, so when Toru Horie suggested we partnered up for the Australian Open, I thought 'why not?' We had a tremendous match against each other in the Junior Davis Cup finals in October, when I won after saving two match points, and we also get on pretty well together.

“Our first match was a little crazy,'' reflected Nico on the new Horie alliance. “Basically we were both playing our own game but as things settled, it seemed to work OK and we started to feel more like a team.''

The first-round victory over Turkey's Irgi Kirkin and Aussie Alexei Popyrin and a shock success against No.4 seeds Yousef Hossam and Alberto Lim, took the unlikely lads into the last eight.

Kuhn and Horie finally capitulated to the eventual champions, local heroes Alex De Minaur and Blake Ellis, but Nico believes he and the highly-ranked Horie are destined for more success as a doubles pair.

Kuhn, who will be 16 next month, still has three more years' eligibility as a Junior, though his involvement with the ITF circuit is likely to be limited from now on as he pushes to climb the official Association of Tennis Professsionals ladder.

“My target is to be in ATP top 600 by the end of the year,'' he says, ''and also hopefully to reach the Junior Top 10.''

Climbing 1400 places up the ATP ladder (he is currently ranked 2009) will probably necessitate winning two Futures tournaments against adult professional opposition.

However, he already has enough ranking points to qualify for the main draw of all four junior Grand Slams and sees this summer's Wimbledon as the brightest ray of sunshine on the immediate horizon.

“The next Grand Slam challenge is the French Open at Roland Garros but Wimbledon is the one I am really looking forward to,'' he says. “I think I can do well there, even though playing on grass will be a new experience.''

More immediate on the agenda is the passport that will finally enable Nico to play under the flag of Spain, the country he has always regarded as home. His parents Alfred and Rita moved to Torrevieja when he was three months old and by his third birthday was already wielding his first tennis racket, a gift from mum and dad.

As the silverware mounted while still at junior school, the tennis authorities in his father's homeland Germany offered to finance Nico's rapidly increasing travel and equipment expenses – something their cash-strapped Spanish counterparts could not afford. And for the past four years Kaiser Kuhn has provided the main thrust of a highly successful German junior team.

The pinnacle was his record run of 11 successive singles victories in leading his father's homeland to the Final of the Junior Davis Cup and winning the tournament's Most Valuable Player award into the bargain.

That was to be Nico's final team appearance for Germany pending the long-anticipated arrival of the Spanish passport which will enable him to switch his national allegiance to the country he has always regarded as home.

Ironically, Nico is due to play in an ATP Futures tournament in Murcia on the day those passport formalities are scheduled for completion – adding yet another complication to the mass of red tape he has had to endure to be accepted on the international stage simply as El Nico, the blond  tennis kid from Torrevieja who made good.

.

German or Spanish? Passport mix-up leaves tennis superkid NIco in limbo

Costa Blanca tennis sensation Nicola Kuhn must compete in next week's Australian Junior Open championship as a German – thanks to Spanish administrative bungling.

Kuhn, arguably the best 15-year-old player on the planet, has lived in Torrevieja since he was three months old. Yet he has been competing in team events for his father Alfred's homeland since he was 12, when the Germans beat the cash-strapped Spanish tennis authorities to the ball by offering to contribute to Nico's ever-increasing travel and equipment expenses.

Two years ago, the blond Costa kid led his adopted country to the World Under 14 title and last October powered Germany into the Junior Davis Cup final, winning 11 singles matches on the trot and picking up the tournament’s Most Valuable Player award.

Despite a truly international background, Austrian-born Nico's heart has always been with Spain. His mother Rita is Russian but he admits: “I have always felt more Spanish than anything.'' 

He has been given permission to compete for Spain as an individual in future tournaments, subject to obtaining a Spanish passport .

 

The paperwork should have been a formality but as those of us who live here are only too well aware, nothing ever runs smoothly in Spain – and El Nico is still waiting for the elusive document several months after applying for it.

Ideally, he would be competing as a Spaniard in Australia, the first Grand Slam tournament of 2016, but following frustrating bureaucratic delays, his father Alfred concedes: "As long as Nico has to wait for his Spanish passport, he has to play under the German flag.''
 

Young Kuhn also faces two years in limbo before he can put his German international allegiance fully behind him and compete in team events for Spain.

By the time he was 12, Nico had amassed a treasure chest of silverware in local tournaments. Hooked on tennis since Rita and Alfred bought him a racket for his third birthday, he joined the prestigious Equelite Tennis Academy run by former world No.1 Juan Carlos Ferrero.

For the past three years he has commuted almost daily between his home in La Mata and the academy in Villena. That adds up to a round trip of 208 kilometres for his regular chauffeurs, namely his overworked parents

And after a sensational 2015 and three months before his 16th birthday, Nico began 2016 as one of only two 15 year-olds in the world’s top 50 junior (18 and under) players. He also has a chance to make tennis history in Melbourne as one of the youngest players ever to win a Junior Grand Slam title.
 

Kuhn's 2015 form earned him enough ranking points to go straight into the main draw for the Australian Junior Open – and after disposing of three of the current World Top 10 in that record victory sequence in the Junior Davis Cup, he looks capable of beating any of the main contenders.
 

Nico's coach Fran Martinez, intent of keeping the youngster's feet firmly on the ground, plays down suggestions that he is the world’s best player born in the 21st century. Yet official ITF records show that he has achieved more at the age of 15 than Novak Djokovic, Roger Federer,
Andy Murray or Rafael Nadal managed in their youth.

Nico’s mentor Ferrero predicts: "I think he can be a great player and can reach a very high level if he continues working with the same mentality."

Boris Becker, who won Wimbledon at the age of 17, went even further after watching Kuhn in action a couple of years ago. ''He’s a better player than I was at his age,’’ conceded the
German legend.
 

Kuhn’s remarkable progress in 2015 won him the title of Alicante province's Most Promising sports star – and prompted Spain's national football authority La Liga to provide an extra kick by roping him into a new sponsorship package involving three top junior sports stars.
''I am not 100 per cent happy,’’ Nico says of his current international status as a German player.

 

''The ITF rule says I can’t play team competitions for Spain for two years - but I can
play under the Spanish flag.
 

''As for my tennis, I know I can get great results. But I need to work hard and focus on the next year.’’

I THINK THESE TWO GUYS LOOK ALIKE - AM I BLIND?

j

                                                           JACK WHITEHALL - comedian 

ISCO - Real Madrid footballer

Sports stars say the funniest things - more laughs from the past

A few more tales to make you giggle, picked up from fellow sports journalists and Press box chatter during my time as a Fleet Street sub-editor, reporter and columnist...

Myth and Jones: Oleg Blokhin skinned Joey 

GEORGIA AND THE DRAGON: Wales had just lost 3-0 to the USSR in a World Cup qualifier, yet full-back Joey Jones was in jovial mood despite being given the runaround by supreme Soviet Oleg Blokhin in front of 80,000 fans at Tbilisi. The Liverpool joker wisecracked: "If anyone's got a picture of Blockhead, I'd like to see what the bugger looks like. All I have seen is his f***ing back! It's no wonder he's so fast, his mother and father were Olympic sprinters. My mum's a cleaner and my dad's a hospital porter so what bloody chance have I got?''

ALL BITE AND NO BARK: Scotland’s beleaguered manager Ally MacLeod was facing the world’s press after the disastrous events of the 1978 World Cup finals in Argentina. His struggling side had been humbled by Iran…and one of Ally’s star players had been sent home for taking drugs. As miserable MacLeod began his summing up, an equally forlorn mongrel wandered over and sat at his feet. ‘’Aye,’’ said MacLeod, ‘’they’ll all be waiting to get at me when I get home. Right now, I probably don’t have a friend in the world - apart from this little dog.’’ With that, he bent down to stroke the bedraggled animal…and it bit him.

TROUBLE AND SQUEAK: Radio commentator Peter Lorenzo, busy interviewing England’s World Cup heroes after the 1966 Wembley victory over West Germany, was unimpressed by Alan Ball’s response to his opening question. The little midfielder piped out his answer in that distinctive squeaky voice that was to become so familiar, only for a clearly unconvinced Lorenzo to retort: ‘’Come on Alan, I know you don’t really talk like that.’’

HORSES FOR CURSES: Owner-trainer Bryn Thomas was in no mood to face the stewards after his well-fancied horse had run a stinker at Hereford. The big former Cardiff rugby forward was discussing what had gone wrong with top jockey John Francome when he was summoned to explain the horse’s failure. Stomping angrily into the stewards’ room to face his three inquisitors, the fiery farmer demanded to know why they were wasting his time. ‘’I haven’t got a clue why it ran so badly,’’ he blasted, ‘’and I’m in a hurry to get home.’’ Discreetly, in view of the Welshman’s daunting physical presence and bombastic mood, one of the stewards explained that even the Queen’s horses were inquired into from time to time. ‘’I know that,’’ fumed Bryn. ‘’But when she gets home afterwards she hasn’t got to milk 70 f***ing cows.’’

CHAMP-PAIN CHARLIE: World-title contender Chuck Wepner was so sure he‘d take Muhammad Ali‘s world heavyweight crown that he made his wife a promise before the big fight in Richfield, Ohio. ‘’Go out and buy yourself a new negligee, baby,’’ ordered cocky Chuck, ‘’Tonight you’ll be sleeping with the champion.’’Wepner, for all his bravery, duly went the way of all flesh and was stopped by Ali - albeit in the final round. Mrs Wepner, unimpressed, was more concerned about Ali’s whereabouts. ‘’Does the champ come to me…or do I go to him?’’ she asked her battered husband.

THE DRAFTY COCKNEY: England darts stars Eric Bristow and John Lowe were practising in Edinburgh before the World Cup competition. In the next bay, obscured by a partition, was Scotland’s top player Jocky Wilson - a fierce rival of Crafty Cockney Bristow. Suddenly one of Eric’s darts ricocheted off the wire…and disappeared under a gap at the bottom of the partition. A couple of seconds later it reappeared - courtesy of Wilson. ‘’If he’d known it was yours he’d have thrown it out there,’’ quipped Lowe, pointing to the large open window behind Bristow. ‘’No chance,’’ retorted Eric the mouth. ‘’He’d have missed.’’

LEVEL BEST: Liverpool captain turned BBC pundit Emlyn Hughes was in no doubt about the quality of football he was expecting to be served up in the World Cup finals. ''I want to see the type of game where teams are winning 4-1 and 3-3,’’ he told Sport of Two radio listeners.

Shanks for the memory and other Fleet Street football funnies

My three decades working for Fleet Street tabloids were littered with press-box anecdotes involving football's most colourful characters . Many of the tales came from Fleet Street colleagues who witnessed them first hand. I suspect one or two of the stories are apocryphal but who cares as long as they make people smile...

LATE NIGHT EXTRA:  Legendary Liverpool manager Bill Shankly was fuming on the night several of his superstars arrived back at their Belgian hotel 45 minutes later than the boss. “Where do you lot think you've been?'' blazed Shanks as international quartet Ron Yeats,  Ian St John,  Roger Hunt  and Ian Callaghan returned from a drinking session well after the boss’s midnight curfew. ”That’s it!’’ he ranted at Yeats, St John and Hunt. ”You’ll never play for Liverpool again – and you can forget about international football as well. You’re finished!.’’ Then, turning to his blue-eyed boy Callaghan, he added: ”And I’m going to tell your missus about you.”

DON'T CRY FOR LEE: Newcastle United manager Gordon Lee wanted a word with chairman Stan Seymour. He marched into the club chief's office, to be told by a secretary: “Mr Seymour is not available. He's gone to see Evita. Lee retorted: “I don't think so. He wouldn't go and watch a foreign player without telling me first.'' When Lee moved on to manage Everton, the Merseyside media soon discovered his geographical knowledge matched his familiarity with Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals. After a dismal showing in a home Cup Winners' Cup leg against Standard Liege, defiant Gordon looked ahead to the return in Belgium and rapped: “Just wait until we get them in Standard!''

EMMY AWARD:  Hard-man Tommy Smith had two pet hates in football - Leeds United striker  Allan Clarke  and his own skipper at Liverpool,  Emlyn Hughes. And not necessarily in that order. When Hughes clashed with Clarke in a goalmouth melee and old squeaky voice Emlyn found himself on the deck with blood pouring from his nose, Smithy showed himself in his true colours. ”Maybe that Clarke’s not such a bad bloke after all,” muttered Tom the compassionate.

CROTCH OF THE DAY:  With manager Jock Stein in hospital, Celtic No.2 Sean Fallon was dealing with press enquiries at Parkhead. When one reporter phoned to enquire about an injury to Scotland full-back  Danny McGrain, Irishman Fallon admitted: ‘’I don’t think he’ll make Saturday’s game. He’s suffering from a Grain stroin.’’

GENTLE-MAN JIM:  It threatened to be a bloody battle. Spurs and Burnley had fought out a particularly vicious FA Cup stalemate and the replay promised to be even more physical. The teams were kicking in before the game when Jimmy Greaves, who was never noted for his ball-winning ability, approached his equally timid-tackling opposite number  Jimmy McIlroy. "Hey Jim, why don’t we mark each other?,’’ said goal-king Greavsie. ‘"Then neither of us will get hurt.’’

TOM AND JURY:  Tommy Docherty was always the first person to poke fun at himself  as with his version of the infamous court case in which he was accused of perjury – and acquitted. "I admitted to the judge I’d lied on oath, but he didn’t believe me,’’  is one of the one-time Manchester United boss’s classic quips. Tongue-in-cheek Tom is also particularly proud of his dubious achievement as manager of Rotherham United. ‘‘I promised the chairman I’d get them out of the Second Division (now the Championship) and I did,’’ he recalls. ‘"I took them into the Third.’’

EIRE RAID WARNING:  League of Ireland champions Shamrock Rovers were convinced they had the answer to mighty Honved of Hungary in the European Cup, The lads from Dublin trailed 2-0 from the away leg, but on the eve of the return manager  Jim McLaughlin  unveiled a unique plan for beating  the magnificent Magyars. ‘’We’ll be concentrating on all-out attack…mixed with caution,’’ he insisted. No prizes for guessing who won the tie 5-1 on aggregate.

BETTER BY CALF:  England legend  Nat Lofthouse  reckoned he was frightened of his own Bolton teammates in his playing days. Well, two of them anyway. Full-backs Roy Hartle  and Tommy Banks had such a fearsome reputation that striker Lofthouse maintained: ‘’When they were playing behind me I used to put shin guards on the back of my calves.’’

BALD REALITY: Rival Midlands bosses Ron Atkinson and Jim Smith decided to travel together to a dinner they were both attending. Their teams had been having mixed fortunes, with Atkinson's West Brom near the top of the old First Division (the Premier League predecessor) and Smith's Birmingham seemingly heading for relegation. They pulled their vehicle into a multi-storey car park near the function venue, left it on the top deck, and got into the lift. Big Ron turned to the Bald Eagle and quipped: “You press the button because it's you who's going down.''

NO WAY TO TREAT A LADY: Peter Withe's whip-round was apparently for the driver taking the Aston Villa players to their pre-season friendly in Dusseldorf. But the man behind the steering wheel received not a single pfennig. Withe invested the money in an inflateable rubber sex doll called Doris, which went on to become part of Villa folklore. The obliging lady was adorned with a No.12 on her back and the name of newlywed Colin Gibson's wife across her torso. She was then left in a suitably compromising position in Gibson's room at the team hotel. Gibbo was not amused – he hacked her to shreds with a pair of scissors.

Five golden golf gems that will have you in stitches...

FLEE OF A KIND: Japan’s top golfer Isao Aoki was much in demand at the Open Championship at Lytham St Annes following his World Matchplay victory the previous year.Unfortunately, his English was not quite as good as his golf, and an interpreter had to be called in to translate his comments to the gathered press corps. Straight-faced and meticulously, the interpreter put each question to Aoki in Japanese, then translated his replies back into English for media consumption.The question-and-answer session was nearing a close when one hack urged the interpreter: ‘‘Would you ask Mr Aoki how he came to drop a shot at the 17th?’’ This time, Aoki himself moved up to the microphone and in Oriental pidgin English announced slowly: ‘‘I flee putt flom flucking flinge of gleen.’’Ignoring the roars of laughter ringing around the press tent, the expressionless interpreter took over again and confirmed: ‘’Mr Aoki says he flee putt flom flucking flinge of gleen.’’

MAXIMUM IMPACT: Lee Trevino, golf’s happy-go-lucky Supermex, even managed to retain his sense of humour after being struck by lightning during the Western Open near Chicago. Along with playing partner Jerry Heard, a shocked Trevino was rushed to hospital following the incident, which left him lying on the 13th green at the Butler National Club, semi-conscious."I could see the next morning’s headline—Supermex Becomes Super-Ex," he joked. As he began to recover in hospital, the chunky little Texan put a call through to his wife. ''How do you feel?’’ asked worried Claudia."Sensational,’’ replied her irrepressible husband. "For the first time in my life I was six-foot-two’’

DRIVEN CRAZY: Golfer Eamonn D’Arcy was looking anything but happy as he took his bearings for an approach shot during the first round of the Madrid Open."What’s the matter, pal?’’ asked his playing partner, as the confused Irishman looked quizzically into the trees alongside the Puerta de la Hiero course."I can’t work out my distance to the green,’’ moaned D’Arcy. "I marked it yesterday against a red car that was parked over there, but the bloody thing has gone.’’On another occasion, D’Arcy was undergoing a press grilling after a particularly successful opening round in the Benson and Hedges Open at Fulford. ‘‘What’s your best finish this year?’’ asked freelance writer Gordon Richardson. "Fifth,’’ replied D’Arcy. "Was that in the German Open?’’ ventured Richardson. "No, I was fourth in that.’’ 

HOLE DON, PLEASE: Golf fanatic Don Revie, keen to keep up with the news from the United States tour, made one of his regular late-night calls to the Daily Express sports desk in Manchester. On this particular evening, the sub-editor who intercepted the call was somewhat the worse for drink—and blissfully unaware of Revie’s eccentric habit of calling in the early hours of the morning. ‘‘Don Revie here,’’ echoed the instantly-recognisable voice of the then-England football manager. ‘‘Could you please give me the latest details from the Greater Greensborough Open in America.’’‘‘What did you say?’’ asked sozzled sub Bryn Davies. ‘‘The Greater Greensborough Open.’’‘‘No, who’s that calling?’’‘‘Don Revie.’’‘‘Aye, and I’m Santa Claus,’’ snapped the Expressman, slamming down the receiver.  

PIN MONEY:  President John F Kennedy was playing golf with Chris Dunphy, chairman of the famous Seminole Club in Florida. At the first hole, the President hit his approach shot to within three feet of the pin—and promptly made it clear he expected the putt to be conceded. ‘‘Have a go, Mr President,’’ said multi-millionaire Dunphy. ‘‘A putt like that builds character.’’ ''OK,’’ sighed JFK, ‘‘but let’s keep moving.  I've got a meeting with the Internal Revenue (tax) director right after this round.’’ ‘‘The putt’s good,’’ said Dunphy instantly. ‘‘Pick it up, sir.’’ 

NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT...CRICKET

EXIT THE DRAGON: Fiery Welsh paceman Greg Thomas was determined to make an impression on the watching England cricket selectors when Viv Richards came out to bat for Somerset against Glamorgan at Taunton.  The red-hot dragon pitched his first delivery yards short—and saw it rear up viciously and whistle past King Viv’s nose. Thomas glared down the wicket, turned away and fired himself up for his second tilt at the West Indian maestro. He stormed past umpire David Lloyd—and down crashed an equally unplayable ball. Again Richards could do nothing but take evasive action as it flew through to the wicketkeeper at head height. Standing menacingly half-way down the wicket, Thomas eyeballed the world’s No.1 batsman and snarled: ‘‘It’s round….and it’s red.’’  With that, he stalked back to his mark before zooming in even more venomously and thumping his next delivery in short yet again. Calmly, Richards swung his bat…and off flew the ball, high over long-on and clean out of the ground. Richards swaggered slowly down the wicket, looked Thomas straight in the eye and sneered: ‘’You know what it looks like. You get it.’’ 

NEW BALL GAME:  England’s cricket team, stranded in Aden on their way to Australia for an Ashes series, were invited to a party by a local dignitary. One of the guests was a sheikh whose proud boast was that he had 81 wives.  When this noble fact was pointed out to Fred Trueman, the fiery Yorkshireman remarked: ‘‘Does he know that with four more he can have a new ball?’’ Later on the same voyage, Britain’s top distance runner Gordon Pirie—a fellow passenger on the Canberra—offered to organise some physical training for the party. "You need some exercises to strengthen your legs,’’ he advised Trueman. '‘Strengthen my legs!’’ blasted Fred. "I bowled 1,000 bloody overs this season and they’ve never let me down yet. It’s not me who needs your f***ing exercises.’' With a cold look over the side of the ship, he added menacingly: ‘‘Can thee swim, lad?’’  

BROADLY SPEAKING:  Hooray Henry Blofeld, plum firmly entrenched in his Old Etonian mouth, was waxing lyrical to BBC Radio Three listeners as Notts went out to bat in the NatWest Trophy final at Lord’s. ‘‘It’s quite remarkable how alike Tim Robinson and Chris Broad are,’’ he observed as the opening pair set about the Essex pace attack. ‘‘Right down to their headguards and arm shields, they look identical. I must admit I have great difficulty telling them apart.’’ It was left to fellow commentator Colin Milburn to clarify the picture for suffering Blowers, silly old thing that he is. ‘‘Actually there is a small difference,’’ pointed out the ex-England opener. ‘‘If you look ever so closely, you might notice that Broad bats left-handed.’’  

LITTLE AND LARGE: Lancashire batsman Clive Lloyd had just reached the wicket, accompanied by his teammate Harry Pilling—barely five-feet tall and as pale-skinned as Big Clive is dusky.  The 6ft 2in West Indian was just taking guard when a voice piped up from deep inside the Old Trafford bar room.‘‘Which one is Clive Lloyd?’’ sniggered the wise guy. ‘‘The one with the glasses,’’ confirmed quick-witted Lancashire off-spinner Jack Simmonds.  

AND FINALLY... Darts commentator Syd Waddell, jabbering away as ever at the Embassy World Championships quarter-final between John Lowe and Bob Anderson, assured TV viewers: "This match is so exciting that the crowd are on the edge of their tenterhooks.’’ 

I'm now off to put my other hat on. Check out www.donnagee.blogspot.com or www.donnapets.blogspot.com